Coping with Pregnancy Loss

Losing a baby is one of the hardest things for any parent to go through; thus, the topic of pregnancy loss is always an uncomfortable one to talk about. 

A pregnancy loss is usually classified as a miscarriage or a stillbirth. A miscarriage happens when there is a life loss early into the pregnancy. However, a fetus without any indication of life at 28 weeks or more during delivery is considered a stillborn. 

Why it happens

As much as we don’t want these things to happen, complications arising in pregnancy can result in pregnancy loss. Here are some of the common causes:

Maternal health

Probably the most common and most apparent is when the mother already has ill health. Medical conditions that can cause a pregnancy loss include:

• Chronic high blood pressure
• Thyroid
• Obesity
• Diabetes
• Preeclampsia

Issues with the placenta

It could also be placental problems which can be caused by: 

• Drugs misuse and other unhealthy lifestyle choices
• Abdominal trauma, from a fall or blunt trauma
• Women aged 40 years and above who have a higher risk of developing placental problems

Infection in the body

Bacterial infections can include the mother and baby like:

• group B streptococcus
• E. coli
• klebsiella
• enterococcus 
• Haemophilus influenza 
• chlamydia 
• mycoplasma or ureaplasma.

Congenital disabilities or birth defects

However, sometimes there is no way of telling why pregnancy loss happens especially when mum is healthy and has no health issues. There is a possibility it could be a birth defect or other underlying congenital disability whereby the fetus would not have survived even at full term. Still, there’s no way of telling unless a thorough examination of the baby or an autopsy is done.

Your Mental Health After a Pregnancy Loss

As with any life lost, there is always the emotional and mental trauma tied to it. Emotions will run high. At first, parents might be in denial, followed by guilt and self-blame, wondering if there was anything they could have done to prevent this from happening. Some go on to feeling depressed, angry and even envious of other expecting parents as they yearn for their own. Still, it is important not to blame rush yourselves through the grieving process. Here are some suggestions to make your healing a little easier:

Decide what works for you

Loved ones might offer well-meaning suggestions on how to move on from the pregnancy loss or offer encouragement in hopes that parents can get over their grief soon. Know that how you choose to grief is entirely up to you. If you’re not ready to pack up all the baby things away just yet, then take as much time as you need.

Create memories and keepsakes to remember your baby

Most parents would have already named their baby. But if you haven’t, you might want to do so, so that someday you can refer to him or her by name when you tell your children. Some parents also find comfort in owning personalised jewellery, or by planting a tree or having a memorial service in their baby’s honour. Some parents put in a request to the hospital staff to make handprints or footprints while others hire a professional photographer to capture the memory.

Take it slow

Know that there will be good days and bad days. Focus on taking things one step at a time, and try not to get too overwhelmed about the future. Recognise your grief and hold off on making any rash or major decisions until you are more settled emotionally.

Take care of yourself

In Malaysia, it is not uncommon to see mothers opt for a half confinement with some even going as far as to do a full confinement to help their body recover. Despite a pregnancy loss, it doesn’t discount the significant changes in a woman’s body. After expelling the fetus and placenta mum would need adequate rest and eat a healthy diet to regain her strength. Parents need to keep each other in check. Do not resort to smoking or alcohol to drown your pain and remember to take medications under your doctor’s guidance.

Dads get affected too 

Remember that dads grieve too, although they may not cope with grief the same way mums do. Some might want to talk things out, while another might just withdraw and shut down. Always be open and honest with each other during the grieving process. Helping one another along will ensure that the two of you make it through and come out stronger.

Keep a journal

If opening up and talking about it is too difficult, perhaps writing down your thoughts and feelings might help you with your pain. You can even write letters, notes or poems to remember your baby. The decision is yours.

Get support

It is okay to voice out if you need support. Not everyone knows how to approach the topic of life lost, so your loved ones might be inclined to give you your space. Prompt them if you need someone to talk to because unless you speak out, nobody would want to risk hurting you more. 

There are plenty of support groups and counselling that can found on the Malaysian Mental Health Association. The important thing is to find someone you can trust, someone you are comfortable with. Here’s a list of counsellors and therapists in the Klang Valley:

Hope for the future

In closing, many parents experience pregnancy loss but go on to have successful pregnancies. But when the pain and grief subsides, both of you can talk about whether you’d like to try again and, if so, when. It may seem scary, or both of you may still feel sad for your earlier loss — but you never know when it could be successful. So when you’re ready, do not be afraid to hope for the future.